Disambiguation

As a girl adjusts and adapts to her old home become new, specifically her repatriation to her homeland,  she spends time in her head.  Lots of time in her head, noting and notating what it means to come “home” and to be “back in the USA”.  Among these notations are the telling moments in her psyche where upon hearing phrases from those outside her head such as: “Welcome Home” and “It must be good to be back” there is a distinct non-recognition that those sentiments apply to her at all.   It’s not that she’s unhappy  in her new place.  On the contrary, she’s taking it in and taking it on as the days unfold, consciously creating “HOME” and building happiness for herself and her children.  But there is a small amount of disconnect as she transitions, a surreal quality to the whole of the movement, if you will.  Something like walking through a fog perhaps.  And like an early morning fog rolling off the water, it takes a bit of time for the sun to penetrate and open clear vision upon the day.

I know a girl like that.

She’s taking her time.

***************************************

As often happens with me when I sit down to write, I had a fully other notion of what I was sitting down to write about than what just now trickled  from my fingertips.  It’s taken some time for me but  I have learned to trust the process of letting my thoughts flow and allowing words to take shape as they will.   I tend to look at these moments, these times where my thoughts take charge and my fingers write what they please rather than what I planned, to be truth telling moments.  Possibly barrier-less glimpses into what I really need to say versus what I think I want to say or even should say.  At the end of the day, I suppose that’s what keeping a blog is all about for me, anyway. This is the place I declared I would let my creativity flow. This would be the place for me to express myself.  I am conscious, yes, that I am doing just that in a venue where others come to read and it wouldn’t be honest to say that doesn’t affect at least the way I edit a piece before I hit “publish”.  It does, however, cut me wide swath in what I can say or do here.  That’s a tremendous freedom feeling.

My lovely friends and my readers who are my friends, your support is appreciated in ways bigger than there are words to express.  (And trust me, I know some big words.)  I recognize that my presence at this page has been sketchy at best since I opened it. I would like to change that up just a bit.  I won’t promise you anything beyond what I believe I am capable of delivering upon,  so this is no declaration that I will see you here tomorrow, by any means.  Or, maybe it is.   What I can definitively say it is, is an invitation to stay with me while I find my way and my rhythm.  If you know me well, or know me at all, you’ll know I always have something to say. 

Sometimes that something surprises even me.

Talk soon.

~jenn

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6 thoughts on “Disambiguation

  1. Lilacspecs says:

    My eye is always on this space as I hope to repatriate in the next 3-5 years.

  2. I’ll always wait for ‘ya. And nice way of including a certain blog title at the end of your post. You’s wicked smaht like that.

  3. Darlin’, I just figure it is like meeting a friend when you are out and about. Sometimes you have time for coffee and a chat, sometimes just a quick hug, and sometimes you don’t see one another even in a place you both come regularly. Don’t worry, we know where to find you if we need you, and how to lure you out. Otherwise, don’t “should” on yourself. Just know, when you are ready to “say something”, you have folks who are ready to read!!

  4. The strange feeling of return to something that should be familiar, but isn’t seems to be part of repatriation.

    That was probably apropos of nothing, but fwiw, it’s what I experienced when I “returned” and I was gone for a much shorter time.

    I look forward to whatever visits here that you make.

  5. Goofball says:

    I felt that alienating distance to Belgium already after an youth exchange of 12 months. I really like the image of the fog.

    And you know we’ll be here to read! I was just about to look out for you online on FB as it had been silent here for a while. I was just wondering how you were doing.

    And when you have no words to type….feel free to come by and read mine 😉

  6. Kimmy Sue says:

    Sometimes you don’t have to leave to feel like you’re trying to find “home.” Trust me. There are days I look around and wonder, “why the hell am I still living here?” Then, I look at the bottle of red rock sand strategically placed on my dresser and on my desk at work, and I smile quietly, think about my honeymoon in our fragile immediately after 9/11 days, and I relax. Home really is where your heart is…not necessarily where your body and your brain live. Thanks for sharing!

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